Channel 8 News: 4/6/03

[A random installment of the popular Partygoers email series, Channel 8 News. Note: the old & broken links have been removed.]

Date: Wed, 6 Aug 2003 10:23:05 -0700
From: “The Partygoers”
Subject: Channel 8 News: the Partygoers newsletter

Greetings FOPs (Friends of the Partygoers):

First, an apology: it has been too many months since we last shared our comings and goings with our loyal fans. So, as a gesture of our famous goodwill, we’ve stuffed this issue with more gems than ever, including our newest party transcripts, our second San Francisco Chronicle article, an incredible fashion savings you’ll have to read to believe and much, much more. We don’t guarantee much, but we do guarantee that reading this newsletter will change your life for the better.

– Steve, John, and Will Partygoer

—-Channel 8 News: Volume II, Issue 2—-

***We’re #1***
At this point in their careers, there can be no disputing it: the Partygoers are the best in the world at what they do. For the latest on their unparalleled career, read all the most recent episodes.
Parties: [link removed]
Photos: [link removed]

***Spring into Action!***
San Francisco’s Party Spirit Index (PSI) has fallen to dangerously low levels, but don’t worry – the Goers are determined to restore the city’s lost luster. To find out how you can help this worthy cause with just a few minutes of your time, visit the special Spring into Action! page below:
[link removed]

***Partygoers in the News***
Future Pulitzer winner Laurel Wellman has written her second SF Chronicle column about the Goers. Don’t miss this esteemed journalist’s partygoing observations:

***Represent Your ‘Hood – and Save!***
Admit it – you’ve always wanted to show off your neighborhood pride with a custom-made hoodie sweatshirt. Now the Partygoers and the good people at have teamed up to bring you an amazing offer. Use coupon code “partygoers” when you buy your sweatshirt and you’ll save $5!
Start shopping:
See Will Partygoer modeling his Western Addition Neighborhoodie
in the SF Examiner:
[link removed]

***Lost Notebook – $1,000,000 Reward***
Sadly, John Partygoer lost his prized notebook while pounding the pavement in June. The Goers are offering a reward of $1,000,000* for the return of this treasure (last seen in the vicinity of Masonic and Fulton Streets in SF), so keep your eyes open. For more details email:

***Help Keep Freebie Lyrics Free***
It has come to our attention that not enough aspiring rappers are taking advantage of the freebie lyrics on our site. Please use them in your raps so we don’t have to start charging!
[link removed]

***Of Critical Importance***
The Partygoers want – nay, NEED – you to forward this newsletter to every last person you know and urge them to join the mailing list at Thanks!

*$1,000,000 credit at the Partygoers’ online P-Shop
[link removed]

July 29, 2011  Leave a comment

Musical Inspiration

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

Party #92 (McAllister St)

Original Partygoers transcript from the archives:

Will: This was the night of our annual Thanksgiving feast.

Steve: It was delicious, by the way. John, thanks for hosting.

John: Actually it was at Kim’s, but you’re welcome.

Will: We hiked for what seemed like miles.

John: Steve had the happy feet. He was in one of his moods this night.

Will: We brought a twelver of PBR to this one. I don’t think we should do that anymore, though – it’s a cheap trick.

Steve: Yeah, it’s too easy. We don’t need that.

John: Anyway, I would say out of all the parties we’ve been to – nearly 100 by now – that this was one of the top 5 chilliest receptions we’ve ever encountered. We were hated immediately.

Steve: That’s right – it was a bad vibe from the get go.

John: I was the first one up the stairs, and I could just see people pointing at us and whispering as we were heading up.  We were absolutely hated.

continue reading »

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

Party #82 (Page St)

Original Partygoers transcript from the archives:

John: By this point we were bored and needed a challenge.

Steve: We’d gone through all our usual entry lines – “we’re your new neighbors”, “we were walking home and heard the noise”, “we have a friend from out of town who wants to see the SF scene”, etc.

Will: Then I remembered that the UPS guy at work had told us that the office used to be used as a porn studio. He said he’d walk in and there’d be some guy bangin’ some chick on the couch. Everybody at work thought that was hilarious.

Steve: So of course we thought that sounded like a perfect Partygoer line!

John: I think that was a rare lapse in judgment on our part. In retrospect, that line was definitely not perfect.

Will: Well, our problem was the angle. If we’d gone in there and said that one of us used to work for UPS and that we remembered seeing that apartment used as a place where people filmed pornos, then it probably would have been ok.

Steve: Instead we took the approach of guys who had seen A LOT of pornos.

Will: Our opening line was “We’ve seen a porno that was filmed here.”

continue reading »

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

The Bench

One of the most iconic locations in all Partygoerdom is The Bench, a legendary spot in Alamo Square where the Goers traditionally gather before pounding the pavement.

In early 2001, the people of San Francisco were kind enough to officially dedicate The Bench to the Partygoers. Unfortunately, souvenir hounds quickly swiped the plaque, not just once but on multiple occasions even after subsequent re-dedications (note: it is believed that the first generation plaque would be worth upwards of $4.20 million on the auction market). Tragically, as of the writing of this post, The Bench remains plaque-less, although it remains the Goers’ preferred meeting spot and spiritual home.

Tip: The Bench is located in the NW corner of Alamo Square. It’s usually surrounded by tourists, fans and the aforementioned souvenir hounds posing for photos, etc.

Close-up of the first generation plaque:

Official photo of the Goers at the first plaque dedication ceremony in January 2001:

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

Press Release: 4/3/2003

**Urgent! The Party Spirit of San Francisco is Dangerously Low**
The Partygoers Announce Emergency “Spring into Action!” Campaign to Heal the City

San Francisco – April 3, 2003 – The Partygoers, San Francisco’s premier party visitating visionaries, announced today that the party spirit of San Francisco has reached a dangerously low level. To combat this dire state of affairs, the Partygoers have created an emergency “Spring into Action!” campaign to rejuvenate the City and its citizens.

As of March 31st, 2003, the Party Spirit Index (PSI) was down more than 73% from its all-time high in February 2000. The Partygoers warn that if this trend continues the City may suffer through a party drought equal to or worse than the Great Party Depression of 1932.

As the cornerstone of the Spring into Action! campaign, the Partygoers’ first proposal is that a new government agency be created, to be staffed by themselves. This agency, to be known as the San Francisco Department of Partygoing (SFDP) will be responsible for helping cultivate and maintain a robust PSI, thereby helping mend the wounds of a failed economy, failed leadership, and a nation at war.

“The Partygoers are asking Mayor Willie Brown and the entire Board of Supervisors to take immediate action on this proposal,” said Paul Linton Hart, Partygoers press secretary. “Because a happy population is a productive population, the Partygoers believe that not only is it important to enact their agenda at once, it is imperative for the very survival of this fair City.”

The Partygoers are dedicated to spreading goodwill through the spontaneous visitation of social gatherings and celebrations. These visionaries, three twin brothers separated at birth, use a unique blend of old school technique and new age technology to enrich and enliven even the dullest of occasions. Founded in 1997, the Partygoers are based in the W.A. (Western Addition), San Francisco.

Paul Linton Hart, Press Secretary
[Mr. Hart’s whereabouts are current unknown; contact info redacted]

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

Captain B-b-b-bulge

The classic photo of the superhero we dubbed Captain Bulge was acquired at Party #14 in the early hours of the 21st century. A few weeks later, this flyer was attached to bus stops and telephone poles around the W.A. for one glorious weekend.

To this date, no one has come forward to identify Captain Bulge or his true identity. The search continues.

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

Party #74 (Fulton St) and Party #76 (Grove St)

Original Partygoers transcript from the archives:

John: Unlike most nights recently, you could instantly feel the parties in the air on this night.

Steve: Absolutely. You could sense parties everywhere.

Will: It had been a beautiful day, like a taste of spring. People were out all day long having a good time, and you just knew that some of them were going to carry that on into the evening.

John: We ended up going to three parties on this night, but there were plenty more out there.

Will: We passed several we didn’t even bother with.

Steve: There was the potential to hit five or six, easily.

John: Anyway, #74 was a psychedelic party.

Steve: Edgar Allen Poe and Alice in Wonderland both factored into the decorating scheme.

Will: This was a definitely one of the more interesting ones we’ve been to lately.

John: One of the best parts was that girl spinning fire in the backyard.

Steve: Even better was the hula hoop guy. I’ve seen fire-spinning chicks, but I’ve never seen a jackass fall and accidentally plow the garden while trying to do a hula hoop.

Will: He took out every plant in the garden.

John: And the best part was that the girl who lived there had been warning people over and over to watch out for the garden. She was really concerned about it.

Steve: Right after she said that the dude did that weird dance and was gyrating so hard that he busted his ass.

John: Oh yeah, he skidded through the entire garden, heels first. He was kind of in pain, so I didn’t want to laugh out loud, but it was tough. My body was shaking from trying to stifle my laughter.

Will: He could have lost some teeth.

John: About the actual party, it should also be addressed that we’re still not sure what was in the first batch of punch that night. It may or may not have contained mind-altering substances.

continue reading »

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

Doing What We Do Best

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

San Francisco Chronicle, 4/23/02

Our major media breakthrough. The original article was printed on p2 of the San Francisco Chronicle and (for now) is still posted on the their website, where it surely remains one of their most frequently-visited pages.

For the sake of posterity, here’s the transcript:

Party scouts search the city for a good time

Laurel Wellman

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

On the sidewalk at the corner of Howard and 11th there was a little stack of abandoned placards. “Stop the next war before it starts,” read one; “War is bad for Creation,” read another.

Despite a gritty wind and gray skies, the line to enter the How Weird Street Faire was growing, particularly now that the anti-war, pro-Palestinian rally in the Civic Center Plaza was over. “I want to shed the protest skin,” I heard a woman tell her friends.

It was, after all, 4-20 — in San Francisco, a dope-smokers’ holiday that seems to be overtaking Halloween and New Year’s Eve in popular observance. Earlier, I’d come across a dozen people passing around a pipe in an alley. Heaven only knows what was in it; one poor guy was coughing so hard he was bent double.

Beyond the street barriers, hard-core trancers — a tanned guy in huge sunglasses and butterfly wings, a woman with purple hair extensions, people in blue wigs, flowered headpieces, five-inch platforms, green glitter — danced to the music pumping from the Space Cowboys’ Unimog, a converted 1973 Mercedes Swiss Army radio truck topped with a custom-fabricated Plexiglas dome, inside which we could see the DJ grooving like some demented pilot. Huge struts extending from its sides supported some of its 9,600 watts’ worth of speakers.

Later, it seemed like a perfect night on which to crash a few parties. “Not crash,” corrected my new acquaintance, Will. “Visitate.”

He’s one of three members of the Partygoers, a San Francisco group whose self-appointed mission is — to quote their elaborate Web site — “to foster goodwill via the spontaneous visitation of social gatherings and celebrations. ” They’d set up our meeting at Club Waziema on Divisadero, a neighborhood bar with red flocked wallpaper and a funky jukebox.

Besides Will, a graphic designer with glasses and curly hair, there’s John, a sideburned copywriter, and Steve, in a beat-up baseball hat, who says he’s “freelance.” What do these three men want? To “enrich and enliven” the city’s social scene — and get Willie Brown to acknowledge them, something the mayor’s been refusing to do since 1997.

“We’ve stuffed letters under his office door at City Hall,” said Will.

“Gavin Newsom has written us back,” said John. “Mark Leno sent us a couple of nice e-mails. But Willie Brown — nothing. Stony silence from Willie Brown.”

Party visitation, they contend, is a skill all its own, more challenging some nights than others. “Halloween and New Year’s are the two easiest nights of the year,” said John.

“But I think tonight’s going to be a good night,” said Steve. “I’ve got that vibe.” After discussion, we headed out to pound the streets of the Western Addition (or “W.A.,” a coinage for which the ‘Goers insist they’re responsible) in search of a gathering.

We walked to Alamo Square, where a grateful city once dedicated a park bench to the Partygoers. Well, OK: They dedicated it themselves, using a plaque made at a trophy shop. Park workers later duly performed an un- dedication: “It was like when Old Yeller died,” said Will.

They shushed each other and gazed out at the city lights. “Which way is the wind coming from?” asked Steve.

“Well, you’re feeling McAllister,” said John. “Let’s cut down Pierce.”

So, as experts, what would they say makes a party great? “A DJ,” answered Will. “And a kegerator.”

“A good crowd,” said John. “A backyard.”

“A backyard is huge,” agreed Steve.

At quarter past 11 they spotted a telltale knot of people outside a house on Hayes; we marched up the steps and found ourselves in a party of soon-to-be- major proportions. A DJ was setting up in the front room, there was — yes! — a kegerator in the kitchen alcove, and the partially enclosed roof deck, strung with Christmas lights and featuring a view of City Hall’s illuminated dome, was given over to 4-20-ing.

The ‘Goers were in their element, performing introductions and, by some alchemy, creating a circle of hilarity out of a group of strangers. Forty-five minutes later, though, we left in search of another party requiring enlivenment. More people were streaming up the stairs, and a guy was hauling a pair of bongo drums through the kitchen. “We can always come back,” said John.

Still, it was hard to imagine we’d find a better party.

“Never say that,” said Steve. “There’s always a better party.”

July 28, 2011  Leave a comment

« older posts newer posts »